Reason  

Posted by: amusementonline     

Tags: Test Paper, Funny, Solution, Hilarious, Pupils
Blog Comments (0)     

Reason  

Posted by: amusementonline     

Tags: Signs, Zoo, Animals, Funny, Hilarious, Warning
Blog Comments (0)     

Reason  

Posted by: amusementonline     

The rodent was said to be causing headaches for operators at Alton Towers by getting in the way of improvement work on an attraction at the resort.   Workers noticed it riding the revamped Sonic Spinball roller coaster as it was tested in the mornings and joining visitors who were offered an early go on it before the official opening.   The grey-haired animal was also caught stealing food from the workers.   A spokesman for the Staffordshire theme park said: ''It was getting in the way of builders who were painting.   ''They couldn't carry on because they would end up with paw prints in the paint.   ''And we can't have anything on the track when the roller coaster is going round.''   Alarms were installed that emit a warning noise inaudible to human ears but designed to ensure the squirrel, nicknamed Sonic, avoids the ride in future.   Morwenna Angove, sales and marketing director at the Alton Towers resort, said: ''Unfortunately Sonic's behaviour is a danger both to our guests and himself and so we're doing all we can to ensure that he stays away from the ride.   ''Banning a squirrel from a roller coaster is certainly unusual but I suppose there's a first time for everything.''   The Sonic Spinball ride officially opened to the public yesterday to coincide with the start of the February half term.

Tags: Squirrel, Rollercoaster, Banned, Alton Towers, Am...
Blog Comments (0)     

Reason  

Posted by: amusementonline     

 
Believe it or not, these ads actually found their way into newspapers all over the world:

Braille dictionary for sale. Must see to appreciate.

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

Help wanted, singer for rock band. Must be female or male.

For sale, hope chest, brand new, half off, long story.

Help wanted, adult or mature teenager to baby-sit. One dollar an hour.

Lost: small brown poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

For sale: A quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.

Four-posted bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Christmas sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to- find person.

Wanted, man to take care of cows that does not smoke or drink.

Three-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 -- $9 per hour.

Our sofa seats the whole mob and it's made of 100% Italian leather.

Full sized mattress. 20 year warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.

Nordic Track $300 hardly used, call Chubby.

Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer and dryer $300.

Open house body shapers toning salon free coffee and donuts

Found: Dirty white dog. Looks like a rat... been out while. Better be reward.

Exercise equipment: Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs - $175.

ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER.

Free Yorkshire Terrier: 8 years old. Hateful little dog.

Free puppies: ½ cocker spaniel, ½ sneaky neighbor's dog.

Free puppies: Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog.

German Shepherd, 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.

Snow Blower for sale…only used on snowy days.

Bill's Septic Cleaning: “We Haul American-Made Products."

Cows, calves never bred…also 1 gay bull for sale.

Nice Parachute – Never opened. Used once.

Hummels – Largest selection ever. "If it's in stock, then we have it!"

1 man, 7 women hot tub. $850/offer.

Shakespeare's Pizza. Free chopsticks.

Harrisburg Postal Employee Gun Club.

Tickle-Me-Elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 Ford Mustang, 5L, Auto, Excellent condition $6800.

Tags: Ads, Newspaper, Funny, Strange, True, Real
Blog Comments (0)     

Reason  

Posted by: amusementonline     

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."   2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."   3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"   4. My mother taught me LOGIC. " Because I said so, ! that's why."   5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.."   6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."   7. My mother taught me IRONY "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."   8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."   9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"   10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."   11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."   12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times.. Don't exaggerate!"   13.. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."   14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!"   15. My mother taught me about ENVY.. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."   16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."   17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!"   18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."   19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"   20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."   21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."   22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father.."   23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"   24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."   25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Tags: Jokes, Mother, Mummy, Owe, Funny
Blog Comments (0)     

Reason  

Posted by: amusementonline     

Barry Gibb    When Barry Gibb appeared on Clive Anderson Talks Back in 1997, he clearly didn't take note of the chat show's title.   Taking umbrage to the host's trademark sarcasm (calling them Tossers in reference to the trio's original band name Les Tosseurs) he promptly walked out.   Humour bypass?    Grace Jones    In 1981, Grace Jones slapped chat show host Russell Harty across the face live on air after he turned to interview other guests and she felt she was being ignored.   Thus setting the diva standard for tantrums - yes Naomi 'GBH' Campbell we are looking at you.    Judy Finnigan    Judy Finnigan's famous wardrobe malfunction at the National Television Awards in 2000 left her bra exposed.   She was unaware of it until an audience member jumped up on stage to cover her up.   Famously Richard quipped "if we win next year, she’ll show you the other one".    Tom Cruise    In 2005 the pint-sized A-lister got over-excited on the Oprah Winfrey show.   Proclaiming his love for actress Katie Holmes he leapt around like a maniacal so-and-so causing much speculation about his mental health.   It hasn't proved wonderful for his career since.    Jeremy Clarkson    Jeremy Clarkson is famous for his gaffes.   When the Top Gear presenter referred to lorry drivers as prostitute murderers in 2008 the BBC braced themselves - again.

Tags: Gaffes, TV, Best, Funny, Amusing
Blog Comments (0)     

Reason  

Posted by: amusementonline     

The funniest relationship on TV might be the clandestine, cross-network affair between "The Colbert Report" and "House."   If you look carefully, you can spot a small, framed photograph of Hugh Laurie, the star of Fox's "House," on the set of Comedy Central's "The Colbert Report." "House" has reciprocated the gesture with a photo of Colbert that sits on Dr. Gregory House's desk.   On a recent "Report," Stephen Colbert said House's photo sits on his shelf because he's a huge fan of the TV doctor.   "House and I have a lot in common," Colbert, in mock pundit character, said on the show. "We both refuse to play by the rules, never consider the consequences of our actions, and are horribly abusive to our staffs.   "In the end, we're both always right."   The shelf behind Colbert's C-shaped desk contains a collection of odd objects he has found reason to keep by some twist of the show's bizarre comedic meanderings. The House photo currently rests, Colbert noted, "in a place of honor next to my coin purse made from a bull scrotum."   Colbert first placed the photo on his set in June 2006 after Colbert (the real one) received an honorary degree from Knox College. This made him a doctor, Colbert claimed, and next to his degree, he placed photos of three other TV doctors: House, Noah Drake from "General Hospital" and Dr. Cliff Huxtable from "The Cosby Show."   The House photo (now more visible because "The Report" broadcasts in high-definition) has stuck around, Colbert said in a recent interview, because the show noticed it would frequently show up on camera over his shoulder.   "We said we've got to keep that - we can't get rid of the picture of House," he said.   When he saw that "House" responded in kind, Colbert said he was "honored because I'm such a fan."   Laurie didn't respond to requests for his perspective on the gesture.   The connection between the two fictional characters is fitting because it mirrors a real-life link. Both are comedians with a fondness for wordplay and an extraordinary talent for embodying a character.   American audiences are less familiar with Laurie's earlier sketch comedy work on British television, including the beloved, acclaimed series "Blackadder" and "A Bit of Fry and Laurie," and his portrayal of P.G. Wodehouse's empty-headed Bertie Wooster in the PBS series "Jeeves and Wooster." Colbert says he's particularly a fan of "A Bit of Fry and Laurie," which co-starred Stephen Fry (also Laurie's co-star in "Jeeves").   "I love it when people say, 'Oh, I saw Hugh Laurie on "SNL." He was funny!'" said Colbert. "Yes, there was something he did before 'House.'"   But that's background Colbert - or Laurie - would never even wink at on TV. Instead Colbert continues to play up his character's love of "House."   "I spend a lot of time praising the larger-than-life figures who shape our nation, be they President Bush, Vice President Cheney or House," Colbert said on a 2006 show. "When will that hospital learn just to trust his instincts? They already give him the hopeless cases."

Tags: Dr. House, Colbert Report, Hugh Laurie. TV
Blog Comments (0)     

Reason  

Posted by: amusementonline     

10. One Foot In The Grave: Victor Meldrew (Richard Wilson) is the original grumpy old man with wavering levels of tolerance. His outbursts against what life throws at him are made possible only through the situation of early retirement that has been forced upon him, leading to events that would otherwise seem trivial if they happened to anyone besides Victor. His wife Margaret (Annette Crosbie) is very much the antagonist whose own tolerance levels, living with a man like Victor, are very high leaving her with nothing to do but push on with a smile. The show has everything, even a catchphrase that sets the viewers off even more so than anything else.    9. The Good Life Richard Briers and Felicity Kendal star as Mr and Mrs Good who literally want to seek out the good life. Trying to become non-dependant and self-sufficient, Tom Good turns his home into a farm, which annoys the neighbours quite a bit and provides much laughs for anyone watching the show. Interesting fact - over in America the show was retitled to 'Good Neighbours'.    8. Open All Hours A corner shop owned by Albert Arkwright (Ronnie Barker) who is quite 'tight' with money leaves Granville (David Jason), his nephew, with much more to do than he should be doing. While trying to make the most money by using as little as possible, Albert also has another goal. Nurse Gladys Emmanuel (Lynda Baron).    7. Porridge Ronnie Barker stars as Norman Stanley Fletcher serving 5 years at HMP Prison Slade for a bout of breaking and entering. Having his own cell is perfect for Fletcher, it is the only thing that makes him happy inside... but he is forced to share with a first time offender Lennie Godbar and subsequently takes him under his wing leading to much anticipated trouble. However, it is not the situation that makes this comedy one of the greats but the dialogue between Fletcher and Godbar resulting in a brilliantly written comedy.    6. Yes Minister Right Honourable Jim Hacker MP is the Cabinet Minister for Administrative Affairs. A shaky start to a comedy character but this is balanced beautifully by the introduction of Sir Humphrey Appleby, the head of the civil servants who work under Hacker. Appleby is very much the Iago to Hacker's Othello and this leads to an eternal struggle between good and evil, mirroring the politicians and the elitists and providing much humour for the sake of being funny. But unlike most comedies, this one leaves the viewer thinking quite a bit, many of the famous debates surrounding 'Yes Minister' were headed by one major question - is Hacker a Tory or Labour? The Tory supporters would say Tory and Labour supporters would say Labour, which just goes to show how great the characterisation of Jim Hacker was. Definitely worth watching again and again.    5. Fawlty Towers Basil Fawlty and his wife Sybil own a hotel in Torquay. The only problem is Basil is short tempered and Sybil is highly strung which does not make much of a partnership and chaos ensues in the most ridculos fashions. This is one of those comedies that you just have to watch; there are so many things to say about Fawlty Towers that even thinking about it makes a person want to stop thinking about it and just watch it.    4. Dad's Army Britain is in war with the Nazis over in Europe but there is nothing funny to be gained from that. It is the effort of the Walmington-On-Sea platoon who take care of the home-front, that gives us the laughs. But what makes this comedy so appealing? It would have to be the characters, all of which never falter from their personalities. Truly one of the greats of British comedy.    3. Vicar of Dibley Who can forget the wonderful Geraldine Granger (Dawn French) who took over the village of Dibley as a warm-hearted, chocolate-loving female vicar. After winning over the village and gaining the respect of the parish, Geraldine goes on to have many hilarious adventures with an underlying threat of one who never approved of her actions.    2. Blackadder Blackadder takes place over 4 series, each one a different period in history and with each one comes a new reincarnation of Blackadder, his servant Baldrick and his friend Percy. Each time, the roles are changed in every way imaginable and with Rowan Atkinson and later Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie on the bill, this is definitely one of the greats and would be adequate sitting here as joint first.    1. Only Fools and Horses There is just one thing on the mind of Derek "Del boy" Trotter - to become a millionaire. The only way he plans on doing this however is through selling cheap knock-offs in his 3-wheeled van and coming up with ludicrous get-rich-quick schemes that always seem to fail hilariously. Every episode is funnier than the last (which oddly is also true if you watch the whole thing backwards). The following are the cast and characters explained in depth.   David Jason as Derek (Del Boy) Trotter A stereotypical market trader and a sort of petty criminal, Del Boy would sell absolutely anything to anyone to make some money by selling goods that are "off the back of a lorry", and was the driving force in all the schemes to make money.   Nicholas Lyndhurst as Rodney Trotter Naive and much younger than his self confident cocky older brother, easily influenced and more academically gifted out of the two, but lacking in common sense.   Lennard Pearce as Grandad Del and Rodney's elderly granddad was added to the cast to balance the three different generations Lennard Pearce unfortunately died of a major heart attack in 1984 and shortly after that Uncle Albert is introduced in to the sitcom   Buster Merryfield as Uncle Albert Shortly after the death of Lennard Pearce it was decided that a new older family member should be brought in, which eventually led to "Uncle Albert", Grandad's long-lost brother.   Roger Lloyd Pack as Trigger Is a small time thief and supplier for Del Boy and comes across as the village idiot. for Rumour has it that he got the name trigger because of his resemblance to a horse, and for some idiotic reason he seems to think that Rodney's real name is Dave........Don't ask me to explain, I have no idea   John Challis as Boycie A Dodgy used car salesman and a Stuck up Snob with a "machine gun laugh" who thinks anyone with a pound less than him is a peasant.   Tessa Peake-Jones as Raquel Ex Stripper who meets Del Boy and they get together and fall in love very quickly with wedding bells and a kid and everything and she is referred to by Del Boy as "my significant other".   Gwyneth Strong as Cassandra Who has wealthy parents hand has had a wealthy upbringing and chooses Rodney as her boyfriend which is ironic because Cassandra doesn't really think about money and that's all Rodney does think of.   Paul Barber as Denzil easy-going Liverpudlian Denzil was often on the receiving end of Del's scams. His inability to say no to Del's business deals frequently led to conflict with his domineering wife.

Tags: Sitcoms, British, Best, Comedy, Funny, TV
Blog Comments (0)     

Reason  

Posted by: amusementonline     

James: And how are the most beautiful women in Manhattan? Miranda: If we see them I'll ask.   Carrie: He was like the flesh and blood equivalent of a DKNY dress -- you know it's not your style, but it's right there, so you try it on anyway.   (Carrie's been hiding out at home for a month...) Miranda: Get your coat on, Anne Frank, we're goin' out.   Susan Sharon: It's 100% Italian cashmere and light as a feather. Carrie: God, I love it! It's a cashmere-acle!   Carrie: Maybe this is all happening because my building is going co-op. Is this a real estate merger? Am I a real estate bride? Miranda: If there were unlimited apartments in Manhattan, we'd all be single forever.   Charlotte: I read it in a magazine. Miranda: What magazine? Convenient Theories for You Monthly?   Harry: Charlotte, I have to marry a Jew. Charlotte: She can marry a gay guy and you can't marry an Episcopalian?   Carrie: The closest Charlotte had ever come to getting screwed on a plane was the time she'd lost all her luggage on a flight to Palm Beach.   Samantha: Until he says "I love you", you're a free agent. Carrie: What is this? The Rules According to Samantha? Samantha: See? I'm more old-fashioned than you think.   Carrie: Miranda was a huge fan of the Yankees. I was a huge fan of being anywhere you could smoke and drink at two in the afternoon without judgment.   Miranda: No, he's not sick. He's not hungry, he's not teething, he just wants to scream. I'm doing everything I can but I can't please him. If he was 35 this is when we would break up.   Carrie: When Charlotte really liked a guy, she said his whole name -- it helped her to imagine their future monogrammed towels.   Carrie: Honey, if it hurts so much, why are we going shopping? Samantha: I have a broken toe, not a broken spirit.

Tags: Sex And The City, Carrie, Charlotte, Miranda, Sam...
Blog Comments (0)     

Reason  

Posted by: amusementonline     

Marshall: I stabbed Lily, I stabbed my fiancee. Ted: Come on Marshall, do you really think she's still your fiancee?   Ted: I should just skip this thing entirely. Robin is still pissed at me after, you know. Barney: You lied and said you were broken up with Victoria before you actually were, so you could try and nail Robin and you end up loosing both girls in one night? Ted: Yes, that's what I meant by "you know".   Penelope: This wrong guy, is he a huge jackass? Ted: Absolutely. Penelope: Kind of like Barney? Ted: Kind of. Barney: Hey! Penelope: You hit on my mom! Barney: We weren't exclusive!   Lily: Ted, even if she is married, it's a Canadian marriage. It's like their money, or their army. Nobody takes it seriously.   Barney: Question one: Ted, do you want to move in with Robin? Ted: Yes. Barney: Wrong! The correct answer is: No, I want to stay single and have fun with my awesome friend Barney. Question two: Robin, do you think you can find someone who's hotter than Ted? [pause] Barney: Correct! The correct answer is awkward silence.   Barney: Dude, I can't believe you cried in front of your boss. Marshall: I don't know what happened. There is just something about been yelled like that, like I was being spurred by my dad, suddenly...suddenly I was a little boy. Robin: Is boy the right word?   Barney: Dude you can't call her, you have to wait three days to call a woman, that's the rule. Ted: Barney, that rule is completely played out. Girls know exactly what you're doing. Hey, I got a new rule. It's kind of crazy, but I call it, you like her, you call her. Barney: I'm sorry can you repeat that, I don't speak "I never get laid".

Tags: How I Met Your Mother, Comedy, Series, Quotes, Ba...
Blog Comments (0)